The Art of Jaywalking, Part 7 (Body Contact)

Jaywalking should not be a contact sport. However, you should think of yourself as a running back or wide receiver and use all parallel traffic as your defense. Even better, you're the quarterback and traffic and people are your defense. Oncoming traffic is the opponent's secondary. So if someone to your right begins crossing the street before you do, get in step with him/her. They may act as a human shield. The ideal situation is to have two defensemen on either side. Better yet, if you're at a four-way stop, move in rhythm with any cars traveling the same direction as you. There's no better defense than a couple two-ton vehicles. Unless it's Julius Peppers.

Words That Should Exist

In the spirit of the Washington Post Style Invitational, here are words I've made up (ususally a combination of two words) and their attendant definitions. (Speaking of the Washington Post, writer Gene Weingarten has an excellent example of this little wordplay, known as conflation.)

Ludacrive (n) A financially successful but completely silly venture, such as the fashion industry or tabloid journalism.

Sparcasm (n) When sarcasm gets so heated, it almost comes to blows.

Cigaregrette (n) A feeling of queasiness following a cigarette. Symptoms may also include uncontrollable shaking and a bad aftertaste. Usually applies to recovering ex-smokers who swear that's the last one. Really.

Inplement (n) An observation that comes off like a compliment but really is not. ("Oh. You got a haircut. Huh." or "New dress. Hmm.")

Scarcasm (n) Sarcasm that is so scathing it actually leaves emotional scars on the victim.

Words I'd Like to Incorporate Into Conversation More Frequently

(Special Thanks to Merlin)

• Ersatz
• Foreshortened
• Immaterial
• Glib
• Inurn
• Metric
• Puckish
• Knurled (or Knurly)
• Scion
• Adroit
• Scarp
• Predicate (as a verb)
• Incurvate
• Profane
• Hermaphroditic
  

You Kids and Your So-Called Martinis

Call me old fashioned (and I do enjoy one of those whiskey-based drinks occasionally). And, yes, this has been written about numerous times. But not by me. So I feel I must vent. And vent I shall. Please, for the love of Pete, stop calling anything in a cocktail glass (it's not a Martini glass) a "Martini." A classic Martini is Gin and Vermouth. It is served in a cocktail glass straight up with an olive or a twist of lemon. (If you use a cocktail onion, it's called a Gibson). It can also be served on the rocks. This Martini craze -- which I am relieved to say has finally crested -- was out of control for a while. Martinis do not contain chocolate, strawberry, raspberry or banana liqueur. Nor should you get Vodka when you order a classic Martini. It's getting so bad, one now has to specify a "Gin Martini." It used to be reverse. Vodka Martini drinkers were in the minority and had to specify their liquor of choice. Now it is we, the Gin drinkers, who are ostracized. Harrumph.

(The illustration above is a pork martini, offered by Josh Karpf on his Web site. I think Josh has ably summed up the depths to which this ludicrous trend has sunk.)

Readers' Mail, Part 1

Occasionally I dip into the mail bag because some of you are just too darn shy to post a comment. Faithful reader Brick writes:

"Your blog is sufficient evidence for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder in which case [your medication] may well precipitate a manic phase. We should talk about the implications. If you start losing sleep or buying a lot of stuff, let me know right away."

Thanks, Brick. You can rest assured I've discontinued my medication altogether in favor of straight Scotch.

This comes from Schmick, in Harrisburg, Pa.:

"Are you interested in enlarging your penis? Do you have trouble achieving or maintaining an erection? Do you give your partner full pleasure? We can help ... ."

Thanks, Schmick, I'll pass for now. If I ever start thinking of erections as "achievements," I'll give you a call.

Why George Allen is Reluctant to Embrace His Jewish Roots

No tobacco chewin' in synagogue.
The word "synagogue" in the first place: I mean, the first word is "sin."
Them yarlmulkees aren't very flattering to his hairline.
As a lifelong Republican, can't get behind the idea of reading from right to left.
All that hugging -- oy!

Sage Wisdom, Part 1

Never Trust a Man:

Who doesn't drink (recovering alcoholics are exempt).
Who only drinks wine.
Who can't drive a stick.
Who lives alone and has more than two cats (two cats and one or more dogs is fine).
Whom you've never seen laugh.
Who spends more than 10 minutes in the bathroom.
Who doesn't have a firm handshake.
Who's never been to a live sporting event (does not have to be a professional game).
Who spends all his free time writing a blog.

Warning

May cause drowsiness. Do not take without the express written consent of Major League Baseball or its executors. No salesman will visit. Operators are standing by. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, please hang up and try your call again. Did I mention no salesman will visit? Do not take if operating heavy machinery. Do not operate heavy machinery. Do not take heavy machinery. Do not take it if your boss asks you to operate heavy machinery. Do not take if still bitter over the 2000 election. We all did what we could. Stay clear of fan when engine is running. Stay clear of fan altogether. He's had too much to drink and his team is down by three touchdowns. Do not expose to direct flames. Why would you even think about doing that? May cause cramping, bloating, mild skin irritation or discolored bowel movements. If you need immediate medical attention, call 411 ... no wait that's information ... what's the number for 911? I have it written down, hold on. Keep away from children and pets. Seriously. I mean don't hang around them at all. They're irritatingly cute and silly. Do not take if you have: dyspeptic valve, dropsy, hydroxism, pyhria ... OK, I'm making some of these up. If found open, spit three times, throw over left shoulder, then retrieve. Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. We are no longer the knights who say Ni! Do not take if you want to stay up and watch the World Series. Do not take more than three times, oh, let's say per day. Pregnant women should not handle. If you are pregnant or are trying to get pregnant and you get near this, chill. Just walk away like nothing happened. This product is not for everybody. May cause irritation. In fact, it probably already has.

The Art of Jaywalking, Part 6

Keep your anger under control. After all, it's you who's making the illegal move here. After countless incidents where I've banged on people's hoods, trunks and even tried to kick out tail lights, I can tell you from personal experience that the old adage is true--you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The message here is simple: be nice. Work with traffic, not against it. If you see a car approaching and the driver gives you the right of way, be a mensch and wave or tip your hat. Good karma goes a long way.

If David Mamet Wrote for Sesame Street

Bert: What is it.
Ernie: It is, Bert. It just is.
Bert: I know, Ernie. That I know. Tell me ... .
Ernie: I cannot.
Bert: And why is that? Is it because that you do not know?
Ernie: That is not the ... reason. It is much more ... complex. The reason.
Bert: Is it.
Ernie: Yes.
Bert: I do not think so. (Pause.)
Ernie: And why is that, Bert? Why is that?
Bert: Ernie. Listen. Listen to me. Ernie. Ernie.
Ernie: Yes. (A beat.)
Bert: It is you. It is ... a thing. You are looking to go to a new thing.
Ernie: Yes. I think that I am.
Bert: And so the reason is ... ?
Ernie: I do not know, Bert. Still.
Bert: I will tell you. (Pause.) It is the letter N.
Ernie: The letter N?
Bert: The letter N, Ernie. That is the answer.

Worst Bands Ever

Seriously, these bands just weren't really very good at all:

• Toto
• Poco (Can't distinguish between them and Toto, though I tend to think a couple Toto songs actually charted)
• Little River Band
• Pablo Cruise
• Styx
  
• Milli Vanilli (Too tragic)
• Vanilla Ice (would have been interesting if he'd teamed up with Milli Vanilli, providing inspiration for a new Ben & Jerry's flavor)
  
• That guy who sang "Convoy" (I guess I really shouldn't count one-hitters, which would exclude Mungo Jerry, Gilbert O'Sullivan and Pilot)
  
• Tony Orlando and Dawn (do they even count as a "band"?)