Everything I Know About the New Testament I Learned from Jesus Christ Superstar

Who says a rock opera can't teach you anything? As a Jew, I learned very little about that dude with long hair and a beard (and I'm not talking about Michael McDonald). But here's what I did learn about books Matthew through Revelation from countless and repeated listenings to JCS:

• Judas was kind of a jerk.
• Jesus was not without ego.
• Mary Magdalene was a ... well, she wasn't exactly pure.
• Peter denied his lord three times. THREE TIMES! What a sellout.
• Pontious Pilate was kind of effeminate.
• Jesus had a really great falsetto.
• There were 39 lashes. Thirty-nine!
• Judas was torn. He made some tough decisions, let's face it.
• The apostles were lazy drunks (and a little war hungry).
• Judas' last name was Iscariot. Pretty cool sounding name that you don't hear a lot anymore (not wondering why).
• Jesus was really pissed off. Really at the whole situation. (Not saying I blame him).
• Myhr was really expensive.
• King Herod was quite a singer. And a bit of a dandy.
  

Everything I know About the Korean War I Learned From M*A*S*H

Yes, the 4077 during its 12 season run taught us quite a bit about the Korean Conflict (or "Police Action"). Among the lessons during its extraordinarily long run:

• The 49th parallel is somewhere in Korea (I presume it separates the North from the South).
• A tracheotomy is relatively easy to perform. Even a priest can do it.
• B.J looks like a douche with a mustache.
• You can grow your hair much longer than Army regulations if you're a doctor (or in a M*A*S*H unit or if your show is popular in the 70s and 80s)
• War ages you a lot. Hawkeye looks so much older between the first and last episode.
• The war lasted from 1950 to 1952.
• Never be a regular on a successful series. Look what it did for the careers of Jamie Farr, Loretta Switt, Gary Burghoff, Odessa Cleveland and William Christopher. Do we need to mention that it killed McLean Stevenson and Larry Linville?
• Chinese are tricky little bastards. Frank "Ferret Face" Burns said so himself.
• The Korean War is nothing like Vietnam.
• You get laid a lot if you're a doctor in a war.
  

Match the Rock Star to His Unique Odor

Hey Kids! See if you can match up the rock star to the unique pheromones he produces. It's fun! And easy! Just pick a rock star (numbered) and try to match him up with the smell he's most likely to produce during a gig (lettered, below). Answers tomorrow. Good luck!

1. Billie Joe Armstrong

2. Axl Rose

3. Alice Cooper

4. Eddie Vedder

5. Edgar Winter

6. Jack White

7. Iggy Pop

8. Greg Allman

9. Marilyn Manson

10. Kid Rock

11. Scott Stapp

12. Johnny Winter

13. Anthony Kiedis

14. Bobby Ingram

15. Gene Simmons

a. A very sweaty piece of salami.

b. An old boiled egg left out in the sun atop an aging slice of pepperoni pizza.

c. Just an old sock but a really, really old sock

d. Sulfur and cumin.

e. An octogenarian's anus (prior to the nursing home sponge bath)

f. A fat man’s fart on a humid, windless day.

g. Rat excrement with a dash of rotted garlic

h. A mildewed sponge soaked in bong water

i. The men’s room at Penn Station

j. A dead rose atop a pile of pig intestines baking in the July sun

k. Just plain death

l. Unidentifiable vegetable matter

m. A red onion peeled and left inside a retired basketball player’s shoe

n. A garlic bulb inside a slipper that has long become a dog’s chew toy

o. Feint overtones of white vinegar and bleach trying desperately to mask fresh human fecal matter