Our Distinguished Panel

We are pleased this year to offer an array of luminaries on our panel from academia and business who will share their insights and acumen with you. Today's panelists are:

Barry Eikwidth--Dr. Ekiwidth is professor of forensics at University of Illinois. He has been a teacher, lecturer and self-proclaimed lady killer since 1982. He received a BS in Irritating People from Harvard and a Masters in Smugness from Yale. Spell check often wants to correct Dr. Eikwidth's name with the words "awkward" and "width."

Cheryl S. Blanton--Ms. Blanton is the CEO of Blanton Enterprises LLC. We have absolutely no idea what they do. As far as we can tell, they don't manufacture anything, offer no services and pay no taxes. Ms. Blanton is currently under indictment.

F. Scott Murray Adenson--Besides having four names, Mr. Adenson also is the proud owner of four mobile homes, three of them his vacation homes. When he's not judging beauty contests, Mr. Adenson can be found lounging at his above-ground pool or competing in slot car races.

Jan Skanderfly--We don't know if Jan is a man or woman but we're going with man for now. We're pretty sure, anyway. Jan is the executive VP of Tandem Inc., which has nothing to do with bicycles built for two. Mr. (Ms.?) Skanderfly has a BS in Economics from Stanford and enjoys the smell of linseed oil.

Edward Scarsdale--Just a lazy bastard. He doesn't deserve to be on this panel. How he ever got anywhere is beyond us. We're stymied.

David Fleawhotten--We did not make that name up. Dr. Fleawhotten (it's pronounced just like it's spelled) is a highly respected neurosurgeon, author, inventor, columnist, sideshow performer, bassoon player, department store Santa and narcoleptic. His published works include Juarez on Ten Cents a Day, Neurology: It Actually IS Brain Surgery, and the popular children's book on coping with divorce, Mommy Just Doesn't Love You Anymore.

Regina Upington--Ms. Upington is the founder, president and chairman of Gobble, the people who brought you Turkey-in-a-Jar and Mumbo, the freeze dried mung bean (now available in convenient extra large servings --"Mumbo Jumbo"). Ms. Upington is the recent recipient of the Glasdow prize, a prestigious honor awarded each year to the richest woman with the most chins. She would like to dedicate her performance tonight to the memory of Millard Fillmore. She also highly recommends her products for Creole cooking (Jumbo Mumbo Gumbo).

How to Write a Blog

First, pick a topic. (Actually, first, get a blog name and site and all that.) Make sure it's a topic you care deeply about--celebrity breast implants, long haired cats, great tuba players or underrated AL infielders--the field is wide open.

Next, write about that topic. Feel free to ignore the conventions of syntax, punctuation, spelling or grammar. Incomplete sentences? Fine. So is disagreements.

Keep writing. Your well on you're way! (Notice how I mixed up the possessive "your" and the conjunction "you're"? Neat, huh?)

Spread the word. Tell people about your blog. If you email them, make sure you essentially repeat everything from your latest post. If you post a link on your Facebook page, make sure you have a clever header, like, "Read my blog!" or "Have you read my blog?"

Encourage people to leave comments, no matter how filthy, nasty, random or immaterial. Here's a recent comment from my blog: "Did you know that you can get Cialis and Viagra cheaper? We have a whole drug store a click away!"

Respond to comments. Don't pander but if someone leaves a particularly salient point, try to respond with an equally witty rejoinder. Here's an example. I recently received a comment on my blog that said, "This is the third notice that your library books are overdue. We have no recourse but to suspend your lending privileges and ask that you return the titles or remunerate the library the costs of the titles." I responded: "Thanks for your note. I love hearing from my readers!" (Note how I did not pander.)

Finally, keep writing. Even if you go "off topic" and start veering off onto how Aunt Marge broke her hip, the poor dear and, well, frankly it's a miracle she's lasted this long ... well, it's still content and that's what matters!

Blog on bloggers!

America's Celebrity Shortage

With the recent deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, Karl Malden, Pat Hingle, Billy Mays, Les Paul and now Sen. Ted Kennedy and Dominick Dunne, America is facing a crisis unlike one it has ever seen before: a serious shortage of celebrities. This crisis is showing no signs of abating. The grim reaper has had a busy season indeed. If this trend continues, there is much speculation that we will have to begin importing celebrities from such far flung places as France, Italy, Russia and -- gasp -- India (we understand that Bollywood is gaining fast traction on our own celebrity culture).

What will that mean in terms of our celebrity economy? It may translate to higher costs for us. The price of importing just one major star from France of the caliber of, say, Jean Reno could cost each American as much as 12 Euros. That's more than US$17. That may not sound like much, but over the course of any young or middle aged celebrity's life expectancy, those costs add up. And that's only for one! Imagine if we import a dozen or more. (Perhaps we could get a bulk discount).

Another disadvantage of celebrity importation is twofold. On one hand, of course, is the possible culture shock that we as a nation will suffer by having Russian rock stars parading around. It will be difficult, at best to become acclimated to the news of members of Grazhdanskaya Oborona trashing a hotel room or its lead singer OD-ing in his girlfriend's apartment on the Upper West Side. It simply won't give us the same secret thrill; it's potency will be lost. The second prong of this two-part conundrum is that the imported celebrity themselves will be spread a bit thin. And we, as Americans, just aren't used to sharing.

Of course I realize that we are already importing several celebrities and have been for years. Among them: David Beckham, Ozzy Osbourne, Sacha Baron Cohen, Craig Furgeson, Heidi Klum and Rush Limbaugh. But these folks are already ingrained into the American culture. We have no time or resources for re-training new celebrities.

But we must remember to refrain from panicking. New stars are born every day. And with the advent of social networking, blogging, reality TV and self-publishing, you could be our big star. So have faith, keep your opinions floating on the Web and in chat rooms and that call may come.

Somewhere I Have Never Travelled

I've traveled all over. I've been everyplace. Except Africa. And the Antarctic. Also Ireland. And Scotland. Nor have I been to Spain, Portugal, Germany, Switzerland or the Netherlands. Also have not been to Mexico--Christ, it's even connected to my country. While we're at it, I have never once visited a South or Central American country. Not one. Russia? Nyet. Israel? Lo. Not to mention Japan, China, India, Cuba, Iceland, Poland or Egypt, Morocco or Belgium.

But I have been all over this great land of ours (not to mention parts of Europe). Yes, I have been to California, North Carolina, Texas, Florida, Nevada, New Mexico, Arizona, and most of the contiguous states. And I have also been to Canada, our fifty-first state! Truth is, it's really hard to get out of the house. What with my aching back and so many chores. Send donations. I'll get out more.