Friday, August 28, 2009

Our Distinguished Panel

We are pleased this year to offer an array of luminaries on our panel from academia and business who will share their insights and acumen with you. Today's panelists are:

Barry Eikwidth--Dr. Ekiwidth is professor of forensics at University of Illinois. He has been a teacher, lecturer and self-proclaimed lady killer since 1982. He received a BS in Irritating People from Harvard and a Masters in Smugness from Yale. Spell check often wants to correct Dr. Eikwidth's name with the words "awkward" and "width."

Cheryl S. Blanton--Ms. Blanton is the CEO of Blanton Enterprises LLC. We have absolutely no idea what they do. As far as we can tell, they don't manufacture anything, offer no services and pay no taxes. Ms. Blanton is currently under indictment.

F. Scott Murray Adenson--Besides having four names, Mr. Adenson also is the proud owner of four mobile homes, three of them his vacation homes. When he's not judging beauty contests, Mr. Adenson can be found lounging at his above-ground pool or competing in slot car races.

Jan Skanderfly--We don't know if Jan is a man or woman but we're going with man for now. We're pretty sure, anyway. Jan is the executive VP of Tandem Inc., which has nothing to do with bicycles built for two. Mr. (Ms.?) Skanderfly has a BS in Economics from Stanford and enjoys the smell of linseed oil.

Edward Scarsdale--Just a lazy bastard. He doesn't deserve to be on this panel. How he ever got anywhere is beyond us. We're stymied.

David Fleawhotten--We did not make that name up. Dr. Fleawhotten (it's pronounced just like it's spelled) is a highly respected neurosurgeon, author, inventor, columnist, sideshow performer, bassoon player, department store Santa and narcoleptic. His published works include Juarez on Ten Cents a Day, Neurology: It Actually IS Brain Surgery, and the popular children's book on coping with divorce, Mommy Just Doesn't Love You Anymore.

Regina Upington--Ms. Upington is the founder, president and chairman of Gobble, the people who brought you Turkey-in-a-Jar and Mumbo, the freeze dried mung bean (now available in convenient extra large servings --"Mumbo Jumbo"). Ms. Upington is the recent recipient of the Glasdow prize, a prestigious honor awarded each year to the richest woman with the most chins. She would like to dedicate her performance tonight to the memory of Millard Fillmore. She also highly recommends her products for Creole cooking (Jumbo Mumbo Gumbo).


Dr. Snacky said...

Very funny stuff Eric. Keep it up - you're on a roll.

Also, answer my email about the Nats game.

Anonymous said...

I actually saw Jan Skanderfly speak last year speak last year at the Wissahocken Jaycee's Annual Save the Barfly Dinner. To tell you the truth, I have no idea whether he/she was a man or a woman, but it was an excellent speech.