An Incomplete List of Movies I Should Really See

In no particular order:

Donnie Darko
The Grand Illusion
The Killing
Fight Club (this one is iffy at best--it's more out of morbid, overhyped curiosity)
Talladega Nights (the whole thing, uncut, without commercials)
All About Eve (the whole thing)
Double Indemnity
It Happened One Night
The Best Years of Our Lives
The Conformist
The Bicycle Thief
8 1/2
The Godfather (No interruptions)
The Godfather 2 (No interruptions)
Satyricon
The Remains of the Day
All the President's Men
Barry Lyndon
To Kill A Mockingbird
The Seventh Seal
La Strada
Mephisto
The Bank Dick
The Ladykillers (The original and the remake)
The Night of the Hunter
Out of the Past
Alphaville
La Jetee
The Day the Earth Stood Still (Original)
Spartacus

Why Aren't You Reading My Blog?

When I first started this profitable venture oh so many years ago, I dreamed of gaining an audience, a readership if you will. I had grandiose dreams of achieving immortality and fortune through the interconnectedness of the electronic marvel we call the Worldwide Web.

Oh, how naive. Friends, I'm going to put it bluntly when I tell you that since I initiated this little undertaking more than two years ago, I have had 1,207 hits. One-thousand-two hundred. And seven. Maybe I should have started a porno site. The saddest part of all? Many of the hits were me just re-reading all my ramblings. The rest were friends and family (and some employer prospects -- oops).

Oh, how I wish the blog had never been invented. Oh, how I wish I'd started a porno site!

Everything I Know About the New Testament I Learned from Jesus Christ Superstar

Who says a rock opera can't teach you anything? As a Jew, I learned very little about that dude with long hair and a beard (and I'm not talking about Michael McDonald). But here's what I did learn about books Matthew through Revelation from countless and repeated listenings to JCS:

• Judas was kind of a jerk.
• Jesus was not without ego.
• Mary Magdalene was a ... well, she wasn't exactly pure.
• Peter denied his lord three times. THREE TIMES! What a sellout.
• Pontious Pilate was kind of effeminate.
• Jesus had a really great falsetto.
• There were 39 lashes. Thirty-nine!
• Judas was torn. He made some tough decisions, let's face it.
• The apostles were lazy drunks (and a little war hungry).
• Judas' last name was Iscariot. Pretty cool sounding name that you don't hear a lot anymore (not wondering why).
• Jesus was really pissed off. Really at the whole situation. (Not saying I blame him).
• Myhr was really expensive.
• King Herod was quite a singer. And a bit of a dandy.
  

Everything I know About the Korean War I Learned From M*A*S*H

Yes, the 4077 during its 12 season run taught us quite a bit about the Korean Conflict (or "Police Action"). Among the lessons during its extraordinarily long run:

• The 49th parallel is somewhere in Korea (I presume it separates the North from the South).
• A tracheotomy is relatively easy to perform. Even a priest can do it.
• B.J looks like a douche with a mustache.
• You can grow your hair much longer than Army regulations if you're a doctor (or in a M*A*S*H unit or if your show is popular in the 70s and 80s)
• War ages you a lot. Hawkeye looks so much older between the first and last episode.
• The war lasted from 1950 to 1952.
• Never be a regular on a successful series. Look what it did for the careers of Jamie Farr, Loretta Switt, Gary Burghoff, Odessa Cleveland and William Christopher. Do we need to mention that it killed McLean Stevenson and Larry Linville?
• Chinese are tricky little bastards. Frank "Ferret Face" Burns said so himself.
• The Korean War is nothing like Vietnam.
• You get laid a lot if you're a doctor in a war.
  

Match the Rock Star to His Unique Odor

Hey Kids! See if you can match up the rock star to the unique pheromones he produces. It's fun! And easy! Just pick a rock star (numbered) and try to match him up with the smell he's most likely to produce during a gig (lettered, below). Answers tomorrow. Good luck!

1. Billie Joe Armstrong

2. Axl Rose

3. Alice Cooper

4. Eddie Vedder

5. Edgar Winter

6. Jack White

7. Iggy Pop

8. Greg Allman

9. Marilyn Manson

10. Kid Rock

11. Scott Stapp

12. Johnny Winter

13. Anthony Kiedis

14. Bobby Ingram

15. Gene Simmons

a. A very sweaty piece of salami.

b. An old boiled egg left out in the sun atop an aging slice of pepperoni pizza.

c. Just an old sock but a really, really old sock

d. Sulfur and cumin.

e. An octogenarian's anus (prior to the nursing home sponge bath)

f. A fat man’s fart on a humid, windless day.

g. Rat excrement with a dash of rotted garlic

h. A mildewed sponge soaked in bong water

i. The men’s room at Penn Station

j. A dead rose atop a pile of pig intestines baking in the July sun

k. Just plain death

l. Unidentifiable vegetable matter

m. A red onion peeled and left inside a retired basketball player’s shoe

n. A garlic bulb inside a slipper that has long become a dog’s chew toy

o. Feint overtones of white vinegar and bleach trying desperately to mask fresh human fecal matter

Crap! I Got Nothing to Say

Why is it we bloggers think anyone is interested in what we have to say at all? A very intelligent , highly educated friend if mine told me she doesn't read blogs because she barely has time to read her own email. How arrogant of us to assume that people are interested in our thoughts, insights, screeds and diatribes! (by the way, I find some amount of irony in the fact that blogger's spell check highlights the word "blog" itself and all its derivatives, including "blogger," "blogging" and "blogged.")

We are indeed an arrogant and narcissistic bunch to assume that anyone is reading this tripe, much less responding to it. Are we so desperate for attention--to have our pitiful, mournful and high pitched voices heard? Do we have some special insight that the rest of the world does not, some precise, intuitive lien on society and mankind that bears broadcast? Perhaps some of us do, but I suspect most do not.

Is blogging simply the ham radio of the early twenty-first century? Is it some sad and unrequited attempt to be heard among a growing cacophony of multitudinous voices? After all, the more blogs there are to read, the more attenuated the attention span of the reading public becomes.

But stay tuned. I may have something good on here yet.

Uncle Moe's New Years Resolutions

Only chew cigarette tobacco.
Ease up on the sheep molestation.
While I'm at it, ease up on the molestation altogether.
Pants first, then shoes!
Less cough syrup before noon.
Two words: oboe lessons!
No, wait ... bugle lessons! (Maybe bassoon).
Keep coughing fits to five minutes or less.
Work on lint collection and string ball.
Cut staring at floor to only two hours per day.
Download all Sousa marches from iTunes.
Stop sniffing at shoes!
Stop looking at others' shoes in hopes of getting a sniff.
Read all Beetle Bailey comics, compare/contrast with Sad Sack.
No more graffiti quoting Leviticus!
More graffiti quoting Nehemiah and Colossians.
Make New Years resolution list much, much earlier.