Your Letters

It's that time again when we answer our readers' mail. Let's get right to it.

From Caspar in Ohio: "Why don't you get off your duff and get a job or something?"

Oh, Caspar, you slay me. First of all, Uncle Moe is 102 years old. He's been retired for years. I can't remember the last time I drew a paycheck. Between my ample social security benefits and checks from my 128-year-old mother, I don't need to work. That's why I blog. (But I put up some ads just in case.)

From Joe in Detroit: "Dear Uncle Moe: Is it true that if you dream you die, you will really die?"

Joe: Not only is it true, it's dangerous. Please, kids, if you insist on dreaming about hazardous stunts and risky behavior, shake yourselves awake before you get to the so-called final destination!

From Millie in Minnesota: "Why are all your letters from the Midwest?"

Millie: If I may answer that question with a question, why are all my readers from the Midwest?

From Mike in Philadelphia: "You think you're so smart and clever. I think you're a fraud. (P.S. I am not from the Midwest.)"

Milk: I am neither smart nor clever. It's just that everyone else is so stupid.

From Amber in Kalamazoo: "What's the best way to get blood stains out of a brand new blouse?"

Amber: If you have blood stains on your blouse, your biggest problem is probably not laundry. OK, I got that from Seinfeld. Seriously, get to an emergency room.

From Ted in Miami: "Uncle Moe, is that your real name?"

Ted, please feel free to call me Mister Uncle Moe.

From Andrea in Scarsdale: "Mister Uncle Moe, my boyfriend and I fight all the time. He is always complaining that I am selfish and shallow. He also says I don't treat him with respect when in fact I show him the utmost courtesy and deepest respect. I try to remind him that he is always deep and first in my thoughts but he only wants to believe what he wants to believe. What should I do?"

Dear Andrea: When it comes to matters of the heart, you have come to the right man. I personally have had seven successful marriages (eight if you count that quickie wedding to the pole vaulter in Jersey). If you want to manage your relationship, you have to take charge. Show him how much you care by catering to his every need. Cook him a wonderful dinner, clean up afterwards and then show him a good time in the bedroom. Then vacuum his car, polish his shoes and maybe give him a little spending money. In other words, spoil him. Trust me, if he's anything like me he will melt in your arms. Listen, if it doesn't work out, send me a photo of you and your phone number. We can maybe work on a solution together.

From Ralph in Saigon: "Uncle Moe--Is it appropriate for an atheist to say 'Oh, my God'?"

Good question, Ralph.