Thursday, October 15, 2009
Trouble in McDonaldland
Memo to: Mayor McCheese; Mayor of McDonaldland
From: Ignatius Counts, Lead Urban Consultant, Urban Industries Enterprises
Six months ago, per your guidance and direction, Urban Industry Enterprises (hereafter referred to as UIE) was contracted by the Office of the Mayor to complete a thorough, strategic review of McDonaldland, its surrounding suburbs and exurbs, focusing almost exclusively on its infrastructure, public works, crime prevention, fire and safety, education and general well-being. Following is the full report from UIE.
The Office of the Mayor
Beginning with the the highest office in McDonaldland, or, the "land," we have found that the office of the Mayor appears to be little more than a sham at best or, at worst, a front for perhaps a more nefarious organization. Bluntly, Mr. Mayor, you may be the most incompetent, bumbling civic leader we have had the privilege to meet. Your style of dress alone is worthy of a separate memo--the top hat, sash and pince-nez all seem a bit dated, unnecessary and irrelevant to the duties of a mayor. Your lack of leadership, were it not so dangerous and misguided, might be perceived as comical. You offer no guidance, no rules at all, for that matter under which the town can operate.
The land seems to be riddled with crime under the leadership of two principles: the Hamburglar and Captain Crook. Fortunately, these two reprobates appear to be largely inept (the Hamburglar, for his part is also unintelligible), limiting their misdemeanor and felonious activities to the theft of hamburgers and Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, respectively. It is also fortunate that a third crime ringleader, the Grimace, has apparently been rehabilitated and cured of his compulsion to steal milkshakes and ice-cold Coca-Colas.
However, the chief law enforcement officer of McDonaldland, Officer Big Mac, is challenged at all times to keep the Hamburglar and Crook in their proper place--namely, prison. The two arch criminals are elusive and, because Officer Mac appears to be the sole form of law enforcement, his hands are full. UIE recommends expanding your police force and filling its ranks with well-trained, competent officers, not oversize, cyclopean figures with enormous cheeseburgers for heads.
It would appear that the Fry Kids are receiving less than an ideal education. The only teacher, or instructor, as it were, in all of McDonaldland--"The Professor"--appears to be little more than a so-called mad scientist in a lab coat. It is unclear where or how, he received his teaching credentials, if at all.
The One True Leader
Mr. Mayor, our report sadly concludes that you have squandered every opportunity to show great leadership and set the tone for a law-abiding, well-informed, educated and nutritionally correct citizenry. Instead, it would appear that you have left the town in the hands--and at the mercy--of a clown. Indeed, it is this fiery-haired red headed man with the oversize shoes who shows the most leadership, levelheadedness and calm (despite his proclivity to lead children toward an unhealthy diet).
It is our recommendation that you resign from office immediately and allow the government of McDonaldland to run its true course--namely, becoming a monarchy under the stewardship of Mr. R. McDonald.