What Darkness is This?

She despised the dark. In it lay mysteries and fear--gloomy seas and heartache. It was in the darkness she lost her father. It was in the darkness her lover left. Neither had said goodbye. Her father fell away. Her lover simply disappeared. It was a temporary blindness. It made her breathing difficult. Yet, there was a certain comfort in it.

"When did you first become aware of your fear of the dark?"
"I was very small."
"What happened?"
"My mother turned out the light, said goodnight and walked out of the room."
"And how did you feel?"
"Afraid."
" ... "
"But not quite terrified."
" ... "
" ... "
"And so when was your most recent encounter with the dark?"
"Last night."
"Ah? Yes?"
"Yes. I turned out the light."
"That's funny."
"I know. But it wasn't intended to be funny."
"I know... . I'm going to turn out the light now."
"I wish you would."

Reasons to Avoid Starbucks

There are those of us who cannot live without it. There are those of us who have no choice. I am fortunate. I have a wonderful local coffee shop I visit just about every day. The service is friendly, the coffee is good, the atmosphere is down to earth. Yes, the service can at times be infuriatingly slow. But it's my coffee shop. And I feel comfortable there.

Starbucks, on the other hand, is like a rental. It's reliable, but there's something iniquitous about its environs. First, as you walk in, you are assaulted by that vicious odor -- a coffee smell too strong for coffee. Second, there is an artifice about the place. Something synthetic and unreal. Perhaps it's the uniforms, the clerk's forced smiles or the air of crass commercialism. I hate being upsold. Every time I've been in a Starbucks, they try to sell me something I have no interest in. "How about a muffin to go with that?" "Are you interested in any cookies?" Look, I'm not buying a suit. I don't need a shirt, tie and pair of shoes to go with it. Just give me my coffee and let me exit this pretentious, prefabricated place. And no matter how little I linger, my clothes retain that skunky over-roasted coffee smell.

So, yes, this has been done to death. Starbucks detractors have scrawled, screamed and scratched their screeds over the inherent problems with a McDonald's-like institution that serves caffeinated beverages. But just to keep the dialogue going, here's my four dollars and fifty cents.

Why I do everything I can to avoid Starbucks:

Overpriced--Nearly $4.00 for a large (or tall, or whatever the biggest coffee is)?!
Over-roasted--(See above) Their French roast smells like Pepe Le Pew stepped into a vat of grounds, then broke wind.
Overrated--I can get better coffee at Dunkin' Donuts.
Over-exposed--Lewis Black tells a great story about finding the end of the universe. It's in Dallas at the end of an alley. On one side of the alley is a Starbucks. Directly across the street is ... a Starbucks.

Reader's Mail, Part 2

More mail from my faithful readers who opt to skip the comments section and send me a private email.

"Dear Glick: You must think you're something."

As a matter of fact, I am something. Mostly water.

"Do you ever get writer's block?"

No, but sometimes I get writer's cramp. And one time someone bought me a New Kids on the Block CD. It also gave me a cramp.

"My name is Ajit Prestashagun. I have a very high position with the Namibian government. We have recently suffered a loss at the hands of fate. A beloved rich man has died. In order to expedite his savings and bequeath his money to his heirs I would like to transfer $42 million U.S. into your personal bank account. You need to do nothing at this point. At a later time, after the money has accumulated some interest, please to write a check to my personal name in the amount of $40 million American. Yes, you will get to keep $2 million for yourself."

My troubles appear to be over. Thank you, Mr. Prestoshotgun. And I look forward to a lucrative and rewarding relationship with you. Please forward the money immediately.

"Dear Glick: What's that smell?"

You mean it's not just me?

Women Who Played Mothers to Men Too Old to be Their Sons

Jesse Royce Landis (1896-1972) to Cary Grant (1904-1986) North by Northwest
Maureen Stapleton (1925-2006) to Dick Van Dyke (1925- ) Bye Bye Birdie
Angela Lansbury (1925- ) to Laurence Harvey (1928-1973) The Manchurian Candidate
Cindy Pickett (1947- ) to Matthew Broderick (1962- ) Ferris Beuller's Day Off*

* This is a close one. She would have been 14 when she had him, but given her character in the movie, it's unlikely.

A Lesson in Patience, Part 2

A friend of my family's was throwing a brunch one Sunday morning and ran out to the store to pick up a few last minute items. The lines were extraordinarily long and he was in a bit of a rush. This was in the days before express lanes and he stood behind an elderly woman who had a cart full of groceries. He asked her if she would mind if he went before her since he only had a few items. She regarded him for a moment, then said, "Sonny ... I don't have as much time as you."

Names That Seem Less Threatening When Combined

Lil Kim Jong Il
Charles Manson Reilly
John Wayne Gacy Allen
Al "Ted" Bundy
Jeffrey Dahmer Chrysler (Yeah, I know it's "Daimler")