Friday, September 25, 2009

On the Magazine Shelf

According to the American Magazine Association of America*, more than 15 new magazine titles appear per year**. The following are some we're looking forward to seeing:

Selfless--The magazine for practicing Buddhists.
Vague--For the barely fashionably aware.
Timeless--A bunch of articles on where your tax dollars are spent and reality TV.
Rage--For the angry man (lots of ads for Red Bull and Hummers).
OverIndulged--The magazine for people who will always be richer than you.
Better Than You--An offshoot of OverIndulged.
Overpaid
Skanks--This month's issue: Brittany vs. Lindsay
Slack--We'll get around to publishing our inaugural issue. Eventually.
Procrastination Today (Maybe Tomorrow)--Publication date unknown (offshoot of Slack).
Modern Blowhard--This month's issue: Glenn Beck vs. Rush Limbaugh
American Dumbass--Mostly pictures, very few editorials.
Bad Driver! Text, drink coffee and chat -- all while mainting 80 MPH.
Road and Sky
Modern Kazoo Player
Laundry Today!
--Not just a periodical (this week's lead piece: Removing Nasty Vomit Stains-- We're Not Judging)
Cave Sluts--A cross between National Geographic and Hustler
Modern Liberal Guilt Quarterly--This quarter's guest editor: Ralph Nader with "You're Still Driving that Gas-Guzzling Death Machine?"
American Shyster--Giving the term "ambulance chaser" a better spin
Fake--the definitive monthly guide to insurance fraud.
Red Meat Republicans--Eating beef and kicking ass.
Screechy Shrill Liberals--We won and we're still whining.
God damn Independents--Middle of the road, indecisive, unpredictable freaks

* This is a made-up organization
** This is a made-up statistic.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

How to write a blog (Part 2)


You may recall Uncle Moe's last column on how to write a blog. Some of you are still a little confused as to what a blog is and what it allows you to get away with. Spelling errors? You bet! Grammar? What are grammar? Details like .... oh ... facts to back up your argument? Who needs 'em?

Let's get into some tips for the serious blogger:

Make sure you confuse the words "ensure" and "insure."

To sound a little more erudite, use phrases and terms such as "in order to", "in terms of", "leverage" (as a verb), "due to the fact that", "vis-a-vis" and "inasmuch". This is especially helpful if you are writing a business blog. Also be sure to use words that, up until recently, did not exist or have been appropriated from their proper use such as "impactful" and "empower".

Use lots of "unnecessary" quotation "marks." This lets your readers know that you are "thinking" of "them" and gives your blog a little irony. Or "irony."

The passive voice should be employed as frequently as possible. This insures (see that?) that the author is respected and the piece is given an academic tone.

Include lots of pictures of your pets and family.

Let's talk a little more about "due to the fact that" and "despite the fact that." Under no circumstances should the words "because" or "even though" (respectively) be substituted. It's just too pedestrian.

Include pointless links.

Finally, and perhaps most important: This is your blog and this is America--you can say whatever you want, within reason. For example, if I want to call U.S. Rep John Boehner (R-Ohio), a chain-smoking, red-faced, rabble-rousing schmuck with an anger management problem, it's perfectly within my rights to do so. Or if I feel like saying that Glenn Beck is a bloated, loudmouthed, reactionary borderline psychotic racist, I may. I can also say that I think the Black-Eyed Peas just might be the most overrated, under-talented (and subsequently, worst) band of the decade, and the only recrimination I may suffer will be the wrath of their microcephalous fans.

Happy blogging, all!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Projects That Martin Scorsese Turned Down


Mean Sidewalks: A day in the life of a group of suburban neighborhood toughs all aged 10 and under.

Buggy Driver: A gritty look at the life of an Amish cab driver as he goes to the brink and contemplates using an electric toaster.

Dumbfellas: Description not available at press time but was set to star Jim Carrey and Jerry Lewis.

The Gangs of New Bedford: A historical (and gritty) look at some of the tougher neighborhood battles in an otherwise quiet suburb in New Hampshire.

Fatfellas: Description not available at press time but apparently the catering budget was largely responsible for tanking this picture.

Mama, I Really Love Your Lasagna but Marie is My Wife: Paulie, a hardworking young man from Brooklyn, tries to shake loose from his mother's apron strings with hilarious results.

The Deeply Departed: A gang from the Bronx is forced to keep digging up and relocating bodies they buried in the 60s thanks to new neighborhood and business developments that keep cropping up all over the area.

The Priest: A young man is forced to choose between gang life and the priesthood with hilarious results.

I Shot That Son of a Bitch Three Times in the Head Just Like He Deserved: Description not available at press time.

Raging Mule (aka The Jackass): Set to star Ben Stiller.

The Last Temptation of Christ II: Jesus sets up a retail business and has three kids with Mary Magdalene. With hilarious results.

The Don and the Bobby Soxer: A mafia leader in 1950s Brooklyn is forced to choose between his Family (and the life) and a cute teenager who falls in love with him (and his Sinatra-like voice).

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Insect Heaven/Insect Hell







According to my older son, some bugs go to insect Heaven while others are doomed to insect Hell. A non-exhaustive list for each:

Insect Heaven

Bumble Bees
Butterflies
Praying Mantis
Some spiders (The really cool-looking ones, but venomous ones must give up the venom before entering the kingdom)
Grasshoppers
Ladybugs
Those little black bugs that look like rhinoceroses
Fireflies
Crickets--as long as they don't hang out in my doorway and panic (this actually happened at 5 a.m. and it took me, like, 15 minutes to figure out what in tarnation was going on and usher him safely outside.)
Some moths--at least the really colorful, exotic ones; others on a case-by-case basis
Woolly caterpillars
Dragonflies
Pill bugs
Earth worms --everyone needs bait on heaven. Plus you don't know the quality of the soil up there.
Inch worms

Insect Hell

Cockroaches
Water bugs
Flies
Gnats
Mosquitoes -- especially mosquitoes ... I hate them! I HATE them! I HATE them! They must all be destroyed!
Fruit flies ... just about any type of fly for that matter ... so let's start with maggots
Wasps
Hornets--May be allowed into insect heaven if they agree to remove their stingers
Ticks
Fleas
Stink bugs
Dung beetles--sorry fellas, nothing personal; it's your diet.
Most ants -- again, not a bad insect; they just tend to infest a house and ruin a good picnic--at least in books
Lice
Termites

Feel free to add your own ...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Lesser Known Hitchcock Films


Alektorophobia (1950) A man with a deep fear of chickens is kidnapped and forced to sit in a chicken coop, eat a bucket of KFC and sleep on a bed of chicken feathers.

Roberta (1941) The new wife of an eccentric country gentleman is forced to choose between him and her unnatural love of sheepdogs.

The Post Mortem Puppeteer (1948) An aging, widowed mortician, bored with his dreary existence, decides to take up a new hobby by dressing up his corpses in various costumes and staging "human marionette" shows. Starring Vincent Price.

Pure Sleezeball (1947) Claude Rains plays a callous, cruel, indifferent, child-abusing, philandering, homicidal spy master bent on taking over his father-in-law's canning factory. Farley Granger must stop him before the factory becomes a haven of sin and evil.

The Turtles (1963) A small town is overrun by thousands of turtles large and small. Admittedly not as suspenseful as The Birds.

South By Northeast ( 1955) A man with a terrible sense of direction is framed for murder, bigamy and operating a sno-cone stand without a license.

Normal (1961) Perhaps Hitchcock's most puzzling (and shortest) work. A man with absolutely nothing wrong with him leads a quiet and happy life with his wife and two children.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Your Letters


It's that time again when we answer our readers' mail. Let's get right to it.

From Caspar in Ohio: "Why don't you get off your duff and get a job or something?"

Oh, Caspar, you slay me. First of all, Uncle Moe is 102 years old. He's been retired for years. I can't remember the last time I drew a paycheck. Between my ample social security benefits and checks from my 128-year-old mother, I don't need to work. That's why I blog. (But I put up some ads just in case.)

From Joe in Detroit: "Dear Uncle Moe: Is it true that if you dream you die, you will really die?"

Joe: Not only is it true, it's dangerous. Please, kids, if you insist on dreaming about hazardous stunts and risky behavior, shake yourselves awake before you get to the so-called final destination!

From Millie in Minnesota: "Why are all your letters from the Midwest?"

Millie: If I may answer that question with a question, why are all my readers from the Midwest?

From Mike in Philadelphia: "You think you're so smart and clever. I think you're a fraud. (P.S. I am not from the Midwest.)"

Milk: I am neither smart nor clever. It's just that everyone else is so stupid.

From Amber in Kalamazoo: "What's the best way to get blood stains out of a brand new blouse?"

Amber: If you have blood stains on your blouse, your biggest problem is probably not laundry. OK, I got that from Seinfeld. Seriously, get to an emergency room.

From Ted in Miami: "Uncle Moe, is that your real name?"

Ted, please feel free to call me Mister Uncle Moe.

From Andrea in Scarsdale: "Mister Uncle Moe, my boyfriend and I fight all the time. He is always complaining that I am selfish and shallow. He also says I don't treat him with respect when in fact I show him the utmost courtesy and deepest respect. I try to remind him that he is always deep and first in my thoughts but he only wants to believe what he wants to believe. What should I do?"

Dear Andrea: When it comes to matters of the heart, you have come to the right man. I personally have had seven successful marriages (eight if you count that quickie wedding to the pole vaulter in Jersey). If you want to manage your relationship, you have to take charge. Show him how much you care by catering to his every need. Cook him a wonderful dinner, clean up afterwards and then show him a good time in the bedroom. Then vacuum his car, polish his shoes and maybe give him a little spending money. In other words, spoil him. Trust me, if he's anything like me he will melt in your arms. Listen, if it doesn't work out, send me a photo of you and your phone number. We can maybe work on a solution together.

From Ralph in Saigon: "Uncle Moe--Is it appropriate for an atheist to say 'Oh, my God'?"

Good question, Ralph.